That Time I Narrowly Avoided Having My Organs Stolen

those in motion also find risk

When I travel to new cities I like to immerse myself in them. I’m not great at photos and tourist things. I ask where the locals go. I want to find the cafe with the tables reserved for regulars, the town square where people gather to talk about their day, and I usually stay in an Airbnb with local charm. I like to be in motion, where luck finds people.

I had heard both amazing things and warnings about Mexico City. The consensus was that if I stayed within the DF boundaries it’s as safe as anywhere. They had more cops per capita than any city in the world I think. Gorgeous city with rich histories. It was amazing, indeed. Traffic was straight up insane - 30 minutes to get to dinner, 4 hours to get back.

We went for a tour of the Bimbo factory with one of the family owners. On our way to lunch, in his nondescript Jeep Grand Cherokee I was looking out the window at the city and noticed the window was much thicker than the Jeeps I was used to riding in. Then I realized it didn’t roll down….this was an armored car I was in. Lacking the decorum of people who usually find themselves in this situation I asked directly “ummm, is this an armored car?” The man who has to worry about being kidnapped on his drive to lunch answered “Yes, yes. Just a precaution. Everyone around here has one.” I guessed that wasn’t true, and, in fact, I dismissed it as something only the uber-wealthy worry about so I didn’t change my outlook on the city.

Later that night we were taken to this world-renowned speakeasy you enter through the back of a taqueria and exit through a reach-in refrigerator in a bodega. Very unique and amazing experience, but I yearned for the local hole-in-the-wall serving beers out of an ice trough, whiskey/coke about the fanciest cocktail, and music too loud for this spanglish-speaker to really understand anything being said to me.

My girlfriend and I broke free from the group and headed to some recommended spots. They were walkable, but not close so we weren’t entirely sure where we were. We danced and danced and when I went to the bar for a break and a refill I pulled up next to this native girl who’s smile I could understand but not much of what she was saying. We tried to talk for a few minutes and she led me back out to the dancefloor to find my girl.

She said there was an after-party and we should join them. Hell yeah! Now that sounded like the highlight of the trip - a locals after-party in Mexico City! I asked for directions she said we should just ride with them. Amazing. We drove for quite a while, made a pit stop at some garage where we met some others or someone switched cars or something. I wasn’t really paying attention, just jamming to music and occasionally trying to hear what people were saying and craft a spanish sentence to show I was trying.

We get to this apartment and it’s quite underwhelming. First red flag is that it’s empty. It’s small, maybe not the final destination, rather bare furniture, and kinda dingy. Oh well, having fun. I go to fridge to look for drinks and it’s empty save a couple of bottles of water. Kinda weird, but whatevs. “Let’s get the music going.” I say “where is everyone?” “Oh, they’re coming, parties don’t start til pretty late here.” Said a new big guy that joined. Nerves calmed.

My girlfriend and I take a seat on the couch and the lovely native brunette sits next to us and two rather large asian men sit across from us. Neither speaks a word of english. They talk to our lady friend in spanish, I catch about 20% of it, and the lady friend translates, speaking to us in decent english. They pull out a bong to smoke. Jeez, I hadn’t even seen a bong in 15 years. I was never much of a smoker and I had completely forgotten how to use one when it got passed to me. I didn’t cover the air hole, it didn’t really work, and everyone laughed at me. They showed me proper technique so of course I had to do it really well this time. Pulled in a massive hit or rip or whatever, exhaled, then breathed the whole thing in.

I immediately coughed it out and began coughing violently. They all laughed again. I excused myself and went into the hallway so at least they didn’t have to see it. There were three closed doors. I opened one and it was an empty bedroom. Weird. Coughing and barely catching my breath I opened the one on the other side, more quietly this time. Empty. Middle door bathroom with barely anything in it. I closed the bathroom door and started to assess my very confusing situation.

Ok, I’m about to be really, really high. What’s going on here? Is there such a thing as pre-high clarity?! Before the cannabinoids dull my senses did they activate a region of clarity? Or was I just being extremely slow-witted up to that point? Either way, it all came crashing in - long drive, no idea where we are, no after party, large men joining us, completely empty rooms, no phone signal - we’re in trouble. I wasn’t sure what kind of trouble yet, but I knew it was trouble.

I finished my coughing fit and deduced a plan. Now, weed has an interesting effect on me - it slows my body down, but not my mind. I can still think straight, but my body doesn’t react the way I want it to. I was soon to be in no shape to fight off two large Asian men. They probably knew karate. I needed to act as if nothing was wrong and gently get my girl and exit. But I had to act fast.

I come out from the bathroom, take a bow as they laugh, and sit down. I give my girl “let’s go” eyes and she ignores me. She’s having fun. Shit. Lady friend saddles up next to me, puts her leg across me, and says everyone’s taking Molly, “here take this.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD! I’m in pure panic mode now. I say it’s way too late for us to do that, luckily my girlfriend speaks up and says she’s not doing it. Lady friend starts trying to shove the pill in my mouth! Playfully, but forcefully. Another thing I notice in this moment as this very pretty girl is essentially on top of me is that she’s got a package between her legs. Honestly, the whole thing so fucking wild I have only ever told this story a couple of times because it’s barely believable. But I have a witness, who at this point in the night still thinks there’s nothing wrong.

She finally gives up forcing the pill down my throat and she confers with the Asians in what now sounds like latin to me. I’m trying so hard to understand them but can’t. I squeeze my girls leg and give her freaking-out eyes. She finally gets the message. She yawns and says she’s tired. “Awww, yeah, it’s late we should be getting going.” I say.

“No, no, no. Stay, you must stay.” she jumps back on top of me. I pick her up and put her next to me. “lo siento, tenemos que irnos” a bit more sternly. One Asian guy gets up and moves towards the door. Heart pounding. Weed hitting. Adrenaline pumping so hard my ears are ringing. Time slows down, all my senses on fire. We get up and I move decisively right at the asian guy between us and the door, who still has his back to me. I look for anything I could nonchalantly grab as a potential weapon. I just needed to get on the other side of that guy so I can face both of them to eliminate any surprises. The lady friend and other Asian get up and quickly follow us.

Shit. I’m flanked and can’t go right at the front guy. I turn sideways so I have both guys in my peripheral. I pretend like I’m talking to lady friend, but preparing for the worst. Guy in front looks at guy in back. Guy in back looks at me and I give him the strongest, sharpest “It’s cool…but I can get not cool real fast” look I can muster as the weed and the adrenaline battle for control of my limbs. Guy in back shrugs. I move my stare to guy in front. I can tell he’s not the aggressor, so I take a step at him. He turns to open the door, fuck yeah, and walks out, ugh!

“Oh, y’all don’t have to walk us out, we’ll find our way.” in an unfriendly tone. “I promise.” as in “I promise I will be the toughest kidnap you’ve ever had.” But they continue to flank us and walk down the hallway. I stay sideways, holding girlfriend’s hand, more concerned with guy in back than in front. I hold his stare as we walk towards elevator. I jump in elevator, finally able to get to one side of both guys. We’re standing at the elevator door staring at each other. I’m trapped, but between them and my girl and ready to bulldoze out of elevator if they try to come in. Door closes. I almost throw up.

“What was that about?!?” She asks me, completely unaware of what we just barely escaped. I’m still as open to new things as ever and still try to find the local hangouts when I travel. But now I count the exits. We were lucky. A different kind of luck than the prior post.